I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
