I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
