Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
