he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
