i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
