The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I need a burrito and a hug.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am never drinking with the goths again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
