I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
