My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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