Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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