I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I need moral support for this bender
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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