i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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