Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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