I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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