just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
