Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
