It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
