He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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