Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
