we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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