I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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