Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
