There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
