There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
