I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
