Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize