and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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