I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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