Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
