I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
