This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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