I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
