Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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