I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
