im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
