I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
