Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
