i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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