WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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