smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
