Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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