i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
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