I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
