I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We are all done wearing pants today
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
