dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
