If i come over, it means nothing
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
