so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
