Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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