hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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