K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
