This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
