i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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