her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
