How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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