Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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