What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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