i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
