Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
