I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
