My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
