There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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